Why me, Lord?
A driving question that has resounded likely since the beginning of time, either spoken out loud or whispered in the hidden corners of the deep cellar of one’s heart. Spoken or whispered it is the cry of an anguished heart longing for a sense of fairness or justice; for a sense of stability in a world where formulas don’t seem to fit every circumstance, when faced with the unpredictable nature of a God Who doesn’t fit my self-sketched profile of Him. A natural question, seeking purpose in the pain or futility of what my eyes see or what grief burrows deep in my heart. Why? Why me? Why now? Why, why, why… A burning desire to make sense in a senseless world, to see hope in a cruel world….and to see Your goodness in the midst of it all……..
I enter into the sound of countless voices through the ages of those faced with the emotional grief of an untimely death,
the sorrow over a broken relationship, the physical pain and suffering of a broken body no longer capable of obeying the command given it, the spiritual dis-ease of theological expectations crumpled and tossed into the wastebasket and starting with a fresh, unspoiled parchment upon which He can write –
…and my voice comes as the whisper of a mother who watches the child of her heart struggle, knowing that struggle does not define him, but the weight of it will define the types of relationships and future he will likely experience for his time on earth – why?…..…
But as I hear my voice join the others, similar in the experience which drives the words through my lips, yet somehow different this time as my eyes look a different direction. Life is hard – BUT God is good………………….So the expression of my Why me, Lord becomes transformed into a prayer swelling up within me and bursting forth.
Why me, Lord?
Why have you set Your love upon me, creating me in Your image, breathing Your very own life into my being?
Why me – why are You mindful of each of my breathing moments? Why do you think of me more than the grains of sand on the shore?
Why have you chosen me to be the dwelling place of Your Son, a display of His wonder and glory?
Why me, Lord – why did You leave all the unimaginable glories of heaven to offer Yourself in my place –the place of a condemned violator of Your holy truth, to save me? When I look at myself I see the wretchedness and brokenness, the selfish drive for significance, security, control….but when You look at me, Your eyes pass over all that and You see the destiny for which You created me, the beauty from ashes, and I am filled with wonder…
Why me, Lord?
Why have You chosen me to invest my time,
my limited energies with Your boundless strength,
my incomplete human love with Your unlimited, ever flowing divine love –
my natural life with Your super-natural life –
into the life of this boy turning into a man who will likely not realize the dreams he dreams, the hopes to be “normal”, the normal desires of a young life with much to look forward to… ?
Why me, Lord? Why have You blessed me to watch over and interpret his life to others – and interpret life to him?
To see him not as others do, but with Your eyes?
To see into a heart that others miss? To hear words that make sense to no one else? To feel the struggle in things others take for granted?
Why have You sought to funnel the love of Your great heart for him through my small, broken one? to be the bearer of this heavy weight in my heart as I look on him with such compassion as he struggles with understanding simple math concepts or navigating social situations? Why have You granted me the privilege of answering for the 100th time today (please, LORD!) if he will have autism for the rest of his life – or wouldn’t he look good in plaid? Of scripting Your truth into his mind (over and over and over and over….) so that it will bear some sort of fruit – fruit for Your kingdom – different, unique, born through much pain and sorrow – yet ripe and fresh and pure someday, chosen by Your hands?
Why me, Lord? It’s Your story, not mine. It’s Your glory, not mine. So if You can speak Your story and receive Your glory through my earthen vessel, so be it!!
To all this and more I say ‘Thank You, Lord’ for sharing with me Your heart and eyes and thoughts!
Help me become wise from all these “why’s” ……………………
………………and help me say thank you tomorrow when it starts all over again……………………………………